Won’t someone think of the children?

Headline in the Boston Herald: Kid spouting swear words at Sox game is way off base. The piece that reads like something that would appear in The Onion, only she’s serious!

Five-year-old kid does a pint-sized rendition of Kurt Russell doing USA Hockey coach Herb Brooks from in the movie MIRACLE. He says *gasp* “Screw ’em,” toward the end of the clip. Civilization will never be the same, right?

Scandalous. 

My favorite lines from the Herald hysterics:

“Not only was Red Sox Opening Day on Easter Sunday, and a school night – but you let a 5-year-old scream “Screw ’em!” before the first pitch?”

Not to worry, Lauren. The Sox covered their bases, as it were, by only selling tickets to our Jewish, Muslim, atheist, and Druid friends. School night?  Not sure if you’re aware, but 5 nights out of 7 are school nights and they happen to be nights when baseball games, happen, for like, six months.

“To what? Have a kindergartener recite “Pulp Fiction” at the next school assembly?”

That’s a great idea. I’m going to have my daughter memorize the royale with cheese scene for school. It’ll make her terribly popular.

“OK – how’s this: “Those kids need their mouths washed out with soap.””

Cussin’ is nuthin’ a little child abuse won’t solve. I’m sure glad Lauren is here to tell us all how to raise our children.

Lauren is pandering to her conservative catholic readership, clearly. But some critics will decry her piece as being PC. Which it isn’t. They’d be half right with the P. P for puritanical. It’s the same P that leads the Texas school board, that…cough…informs the intelligent design loonies, that ensures kids will be safe from reading Huck Finn or Lord of the Flies or Catcher in the Rye, and it’s the same P that ultimately has no interest in, you know, truth or actual education or how to truly help kids confront and deal with everyday life in a realistic manner.  Sorry, but the head in the sand technique doesn’t work, nor does the Pee Wee Herman inspired hands covering your ears and signing, “La, la, la, I’m not listening.”

watch “No one has the right to not be shocked. No one has the right to not be offended.”

addendum: The only misdeed committed at Fenway on Sunday night was the unending parade of schmatlz, including the litany of has-been celebrities headlined by the  insufferable Neil Diamond singing “Sweet Caroline” (aka. worst song ever).

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