Breakfast of Champions, Larry Bird, and My Untimely Demise?

Upon my most recent visit to my father’s house, he tells me he bought me something at a church flea market. If those three words aren’t enough to send you running screaming for the hills, I don’t know what are. But I stood my ground. I said, “Lay it on me.” (or I didn’t, but same drift).

He gave me this:

It’s not exactly this box. On my box there’s only a shot of Larry dribbling, no floating-smiling bust of him like there is on this box.

I can understand that my father thinks I’m still the 12 year old kid who obsessed over LB, which of course, I am. And I do collect random junk, so I’d say, all and all, it’s a decent score.

But when I got the box home, I was hit with what feels like an immediate conundrum. What do I do with the box?

Sounds like a simple questions but I think there’s really only two possible answers.

Eat it. Throw it away.

It’s an unopened box of cereal mind you, and the expiration date reads May of 1999. Which probably means the cereal was first packaged in what, 1997? We’re looking at 13 year old cereal.

Now look: I’m a cereal addict. I’ve spent over thirty years eating the stuff, say, 14 out of every 15 days, I’d say. And there are some days where I’ll eat cereal twice. While I generally don’t like Wheaties (where I stuck eating some, I’d add my own sugar), the cereal connoisseur that is me wants to open the box and eat a bowl. Just to see what 13 year old cereal tastes like, right?

I mean, if I don’t eat it, that means it’ll sit here in my office, sitting on top of some random pile of junk, and maybe the next time I clean my office I make a space for it, or throw it away, or eat it. I think throwing it away is the least likely scenario, frankly.

The more disturbing and morbid scenario if I don’t eat the Wheaties is this Wheaties box outliving me. Then someone else will be left with the burden to decide whether to chuck it or eat really old cereal. I hope whomever I chose to participate in my cereal tontine decides to do what I couldn’t, and eat it.

Other random facts concerning this post:

–BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS by Kurt Vonnegut is one of my all time favorite novels.

–According to the box, a serving size is one cup (yeah, right) and there are 23 serving sizes within the box.

–Larry Bird was never included as a prize inside a Wheaties box.


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