Yes, I know, you readers using older e-readers are having a difficult time seeing some of the diary pages. I think what happened is the publisher reproduced them as images (in order to preserve the affects used in the hardcopy) and that prevents some older and black and white e-readers from enlarging them. Maybe? Something?
Well, the diary pages are sort of important to the novel, so I’m putting the text of the pages up here. Use only for entertainment purposes.
(first set of entries)
*check the fine print
*seriously . . .
*THE FINE PRINT!!! keep out of my ROOM and NOTEBOOKS Kate and if you are reading this now I’ll flick your ears SO hard the lobes will stretch out like bubble gum and stick to the wall then I’ll take pictures and sell them on the net to people who like that freakshow
— Mental dropping it here like da bass like ant brain fungus (wait that don’t make sense) — Wonder if there’s any girl out there in the WORLD who looks at my instragram pictures like I look at theirs and that sounds creepy but don’t mean it in a creepy way — EYES OF ENDER would be a badass band name — My shins still huuuuurt. Stupid biking in nature! Back tire got caught between two towers of obsidian. Bike stayed. I kept going, Shins jammed so hard into the pedals surprised they didn’t shhhnap. — Split Rock ruuuulllllzzzzz!!! That tree up top is sick, looks like twisted up taffy. Totally Nether. Wonder what its roots look like, how far they go down between cracks in the rock. Freaky! — Movie idea. FROZEN, WITH ZOMBIES. When ICY Princess loses it and freezes everything zombies freeze too. No words or singing to the songs, all grunts and moans. Movie ends with the BIG melt and zombies free again and they eat the snowman’s face off. Chew crunch BRAIN FREEZE! — I am a genius! — *note to genius* Hey, genius, make bike totally out of soft squishy bouncy rubber and not ouchy metal. Then you take picture of rubber bike and post on the gram. Then girls will follow you. Girls like rubber bikes? — I’m not so genius. Still want a rubber bike tho. — ZCP (zombie contingency plans) wish list items: lacrosse helmet, spiked elbow pads, waders, steal toe boots, wind- up flashlight, girlfriend, bungee cords, machetes, cross bow, lighters/matches, canteen, rubber bike
The other guys weren’t into zombie contingency plans. Josh was extra pissy with hot sauce when we talked about it today and Luis said everything I said was wrong. Don’t know why. ZCP is fun and maybe could be important. They laugh at me when I say the zombie
apocolypse pocketclips could really happen but I think they know it could and are pretending they’re not scared. They’re scared. I know because I’m a scardy cat too. Its weird, zombie movies give me nightmares and I can’t watch anything scarier than the orcs in the Lord of the Rings so Hollywood zombies scare me but I’m not scared by real ones. Really, I’m not. If you can plan for something like the zombie pocketclips, it takes that fear away, I think. Takes it away at least a little. Plenty of other things scare me. Like there’s this show that I haven’t watched yet but its about people disappearing and no one knows why or where they went. I’m totally afraid of that. Just disappearing. Like Dad did before he died. I think about why he left sometimes. Did he really plan it out for like weeks and months or did something suddenly snap in his head and made him go? I was barely there when all of it happened and to me it was like he was there one day and then gone the next. Poof! Gone! Or pop? Like those bubbles that you make by sticking the plastic wand thingy into the soapy bubble- stuff (what do you call that? bubble juice? sphereoid compound liquid formula number 7?) and you blow on the wand and make bubbles, and those bubbles float there, they exist and they’re fun to look at I guess and everyone laughs and kids and dogs chase the bubbles around and then they pop and are gone forever with no sign of them ever being there. Unless you pop a big one over cement and it leaves a wet ring, but still, it popped and its gone. Yeah. Anyway disappearing, popping out like a bubble, that’s scarier than zombies to me. Sometimes I think that I’m more than halfway disappeared already. I’m invisible to so many kids at school. Don’t say anything in class. Don’t say anything to anyone in the halls or at lunch and its like you’re not there until someone like bumps into you and that look they give you like they didn’t know you were even there and they don’t like you being there taking up their space and that’s the worst look ever and I’m sorry if I’ve ever given anyone that look, or if Todd or Mike or that total dick Mac thinks you look funny that day for some reason then you’re all there and they make sure everyone else knows it and then you want to be a bubble that can pop yourself and disappear for real. Its not so bad now in summer but when I’m in school I think about fadeing away and disappearing like Dad did and when I think about it long enough it feels like its happening already and there are no contingency plans that I can make to stop it from happening.
(second set of entries)
I watched these videos called Calculus and Zombies done by some college profesor and it was supposed to be about how math could really help you survive zombies. The vids were kind of dumb but fun, not scary or gory, and there wasn’t much math to it, really, just some graphs with curvey lines, yeah, so the vids, not much help. Not to me. Nothing I didn’t know already. Thinking of a better video idea, like a top 10 how to zombo demo, something more realistic, maybe. Now it seems kind of dumb and Josh and Luis probably wouldn’t want to do it anyway. Before I work up to writing stuff here I have all these great ideas (Let’s Play zombie vids!!!) and things to talk about and then they’re not there when I pick up the pen. It’s not like drawing where I can shut off my head and let it happen and my hand sort of takes over and does what it does, it’s so easy. Writing is not like that. Writing kinda sucks. Why does anyone write in a diary? Who are they writing for? You write something down because you want someone to read it, right? Diary writers must imagine some sort of reader. Yeah? Why do it if no one is going to read it even though all diaries say that you’re not supposed to read any of it. I think a diary is like a dare.
I dare ya to read this!! Kate, I’m really not daring you to read this. So stop.
I’m not saying much anyway. I went back and read my first mental droppings book and torched it. Burnt it out back in the fire pit. That book was so embarrassing. Puke. I hated reading it. I sounded so DUH stupid. Makes me wonder if I always sound stupid and only see that when its all written out. Will probably end up torching this too. It sucks because I usually sit here and stare at it and wonder about random things and then when I get nothing I go back to a drawing notebook. If I want to make my own comics I have to be able to write, you know, so I’m practicing. That’s what this is. Too bad it is THE suck. The last few times I’ve tried writing stuff I end up thinking about my father. Isn’t that weird? It’s capital F Fweird. I barely remember anything about him and mom doesn’t talk about him like ever but I’ve been thinking about him all the time lately, and not thinking about why he ran away. WEIRDNESS WARNING— if and WHEN the zombie pocketclips happens I know it won’t be dead people rising up from their graves but alive people turned to zombies by a virus or the ant brain fungus, so I know dead people won’t be coming up through the ground and stuff but sometimes I think about my father as ZOMBIE DAD, if he did rise up from the grave would he come back for me. Yeah, dumb because there isn’t much left of him by now and I wonder what he’d look like. What if he looked like he did when the ambulance showed up and what if instead of moaning groaning BRAIINNNSSS his zombie brain got stuck on the last words he ever said. Maybe he said those words to the ambulance people when they found him with his head all smashed up or maybe he said them when he was by himself and before they showed up, and so I guess his last words disappeared like he did. And when I think like this, I get stuck on it and wish I could somehow know what his last words were and then it wouldn’t matter why he disappeared and I could write those words down here. Then this stupid diary would be worth saving.
(third set of entries)
WEIRD DAY Slee pee, Headache, and feelin kinda wizzy,. Not all bad. I guess. Wizzy because of my first beer ever. YOU READ THIS AND TELL MOM U R DEAD KATE! Papa sneaked me sips at bbq’s when I was little and he laughed at my yuck face but today was the first time I ever drank all the can. Most of it. Taste, still not great, especially near the end when it gets warm and flat. Josh and Luis were hardos + acted like they loved every drop. Yeah, right. I saw Josh sneak dumping his beer out when he climbed down to take a leak. I was NOT so sneaky about it, yeah, I poured the dregs out into a crack in the rock behind the devil tree and three big black ants were caught in the beer river. I tried flicking them out and I know Arnold saw me dump the beer but he was cool about it. Didn’t care. RESTART! Soooo me + the boyz rode to five corners and the 7- 11. Out front we were sitting on our bikes talking about zombies and Minecraft + Minecraft and zombies, and then Arnold came over and jumped right in, saying something about the first time he tried sleeping in Nether and he almost shit his pants when the bed exploded and his spawn point was so far away he lost like three hours of build. We all thought for like a second Arnold was some high schooler with buddies that would jump out and hassle us or some random creeper but he’s not. He’s a good guy. Then we talked about zombies too and I told him how I wanted to use split rock as a base. He knew where I was talking about but he called it devil’s rock. ??? is what we all said without saying. YOU DON’T KNOW WHY IT”S CALLED DEVIL’SROCK ? He told us to meet him out there later and he left and we weren’t sure and we went to the rock anyway. Luis brought a backpack with his old metal tee ball bat stuffed inside like that would do anything to protect us. We got there early + Arnold showed up with a brown bag, inside was a six pack. He started talking more Minecraft stuff about his own server and not using ice torches for light when building with ice. Luis said no suh, really? Like the dink he is and I said Chirps! and Josh hardo hand motioned Luis and we all laughed. Arnold didn’t even ask and tossed us beers, didn’t make a big deal about it. He said, Drink it or don’t, its all good, yeah? White foam gushed out my can and I tried to suck it all up before it spilled all over me. Then I looked around like a cop or something would jump out from behind a tree. No one there. I took another sip, then kept the can hid behind my leg. Arnold told us the story of devil’s rock, it was kinda long but it started with the devil, he called him old scratch, kinda cool + creepy, and how the devil stole souls in the woods that eventually became borderland and that dude Eastman bought the land and figured out how to trick old scratch into disappearing and that creepy tree grew up out of the devil’s footprint on split rock. Luis loved the story (no duh) and asked 37 questions about the devil and if Arnold watched horror movies blah blah blah. Josh tried to make jokes and pretended to drink his beer. Kid needs to chill. I drew old scratch in my head. Arnold told us to meet him again in two days. The ride home was painful. Knees all hacked up, nasty bruises on my elbow and shoulder. Three of us crashed our bikes into stuff and each other on purpose pretending not- pretending we were drunk riding. Yeah, I know, right? Totally crazy and messed up given what happened to Dad, and I knew it when we were doing it. I don’t know if Luis or Josh even thought about it, I couldn’t stop myself and was going harder and harder into them until they complained and told me to take it easy and my last crash, the tree in Josh’s front yard, I didn’t even brake at all and went flying over the handlebars and then rolling through the grass. And sitting here now, I’m shaking a little bit, and it’s all so fucked up
that I could cry about it.
Check this out!!! HEY Kate are you reading this? For reals? I’ll wait. Really? You reading this? How bout . . . now? I pretend I’m talking to you when I write in here because you’re probably reading it anyway. I keep saying that because it’s true. I might go talk to you about this. It’s too weird and amazing. We met Arnold out at Devil’s Rock again. He brought more beer and he chirped Josh about needing to take a leak before he started drinking. It wasn’t mean or nothing, Arnold isn’t like that at all. Josh laughed + finally relaxed. Luis chirped kinda mean at Josh and Arnold gave Luis OUR hardo hand symbol! The three of us cracked up. How’d he know, right? We only used it once, maybe once, in front of him, and he was like perfect with it, used it like we’d use it. Then we talked zombies again and the brain fungus + outlined my full plan. And it was CRAZY! Arnold totally guessed that Luis wanted to fortify the second floor of a house and even threw in the knocked out staircase, and he guessed that Josh wanted to hole up in a mall or a school, some big place with supplies. So yeah. He. Was. Spot. On. We asked him how he guessed that? He said that he’s a SEER, that he can see things, like no biggie. I laughed + was the only one who laughed. Arnold didn’t get mad. He’s a good guy, little weird, little off, but very cool, and smart in a way that isn’t hardo, okay? he smiled and said no, it was true. Sometimes he can see things as they are, as they were, as they will be. Not all the time, but sometimes. He said he sees great things for us and toasted us. We toasted too, Josh even did it, and spilled and then choked like mad. Luis in full wiseass mode said You didn’t see that coming, did ya? Then he wanted more from Arnold, to prove it. Arnold pointed at Luis and said that his father was a hardo (Josh and I looked at each other, how does he know our word, right???), and said some serious stuff about Luis’s dad that’s like scary true, and then he pointed at Josh and said it was his Mom that was the hardo and said SPOT ON stuff about her too. Luis tried to brush it all off and said that everyone’s parents were hardos. Arnold looked at me and said not everyone’s parents were hardos. Then he looked kinda sad, like he had something he didn’t want to say, it was like he’s been always looking at me. Freaky shit I know. THEN he said that someone important was gone from my life and then nobody said anything. I know I didn’t say anything, and then he said Your father? He said it like a question but not really a question. Made it seem like it a guess when there’s no way it was a guess. He knew!!! Somehow he knew! I told him yeah and then I started talking about Dad and how he ran away and then died for the first time ever out loud to anybody. I thought I was going to start crying but I didn’t and after I felt so, I don’t know.Good? Lame I know, but I’m having a hard time explaining how it felt, how I felt. That’s why I might go talk to you about this with YOU, K8. After we hung out and drank the beers (I had two this time) and I know it sounds MORE lame but it was all just awesome.
(fourth set of entries)
Arnold’s such an amazing guy. The coin he gave me yesterday is sick. I put it in a plastic bag to keep it safe. I didn’t tell Luis or Josh yet but I pinged Arnold on snapchat late last night. Couldn’t sleep again so instead of playing Minecraft by myself I tried Arnold, and he was awake too. I showed him some of my drawings. He said they were amazing and that he would try to set me up with some friends of his he knew working in indie comics. How cool is that? He sent me pictures of more coins he had and he made. He said he was sorry about my dad and then asked me to draw a picture of him, of what I remembered him looking like. I thought it was a bad idea but I did it and I drew it quick and dirty, and even though it’s a terrible picture It’s on the next page
it felt good doing it and he probably knew that I would feel better about it, about everything. It’s so easy talking to him so I sent him our Minecraft server address and told him to meet me on there. He did. I was worried Josh or Luis would be on and they’d be mad I invited Arnold to play in our world but they weren’t online. I mean Josh sounded totally mad yesterday when he thought Arnold was already playing in our world. Kid needs to chill. I showed Arnold around our map and he promised he wouldn’t change anything, wouldn’t get in our way, mess any of our stuff up. He said he understood why Josh or Luis would get upset because it was ours. Such a cool guy. I told him I was sorry about his mom like he told me he was sorry about my dad. He said she was still in jail, he thinks. He actually wasn’t sure and I asked him about his uncle, The Rev. He told me that when he was like ten he used to go to carnivals and these things called tent revivals and watch the Rev work the crowd and do his SEEING thing and as mean and scary as he was to Arnold then, he still started showing Arnold how to do the seeing thing, what questions to ask what to look for how to put it all together, plus talent that you’re born with. Arnold said I had that talent too, he was sure of it, and he’d teach me how to get better with it. We messed around on Minecraft for like an hour and before we both signed off I asked him if he was still living with his uncle and he said yeah, he wished he didn’t have to. He used to hate the Rev like poisoned poison but now he kind of felt bad for him. Arnold said he was planning on moving on soon. I asked him if he was going to stick around the area because he said moving on and not moving out. He said he wasn’t going anywhere far. Phew, right?
Kate, I don’t know what to do. This is not me. It started off as the dad- drawing but I changed it and I know it looks like me, yeah, holy shit it does, but it wasn’t supposed to, and in a weird way it feels realer that it does look like me. I don’t want to talk about it but something awful happened and now this looks like what I saw. I saw this and I’m afraid I’m going to see it again, afraid that he’s going to be there all the time, in the dark corners of every room I’m in and in the woods and behind every tree and at night he’ll be there next to my bed, or in the closet, under the bed, in the hallway, in the bathroom, standing outside my window. Watching. He’ll be in my head when I close my eyes always. I thought I could write about this but I can’t. I’m sorry. I think I saw Dad. Or I thought I saw him and saw exactly what he looked like when he died, after his car accident, like right after it happened, the mostly dead HIM and I was so sure I saw him, like SO sure but now I don’t know, I think I’m wrong or maybe not totally wrong and I did see him but didn’t see him and I want to take that fucking stupid seer coin and bury it or put it over one of my eyes like a patch, blind myself so I’ll stop seeing him. I’m sorry
I’m still here.
(last set of entries)
Dad used to play the penny game with me. Let’s play penny. Take a hand full of penny’s and tell me guess the date. He said higher or lower until I got it. Shiny pennies are easy. The dirty ones are the hard ones. I’m sorry don’t read it just don’t Arnold picked us up took us for a ride and I thought we’d end up at micky d’s. We drove around and drank beers with the windows down, Arnold driving fast and chirping tires. He drove us into Brockton, wanted to take us back to his place and show us how he made hobo nickels and he took a bunch a turns into like a sketchy area and Luis and Josh were making jokes from the back and flicking my ears, mad drunk. Arnold parked on a street that was crowded with tripledeckers. Arnold parked in front of a gray one that looked like it was gonna fall down by itself. They all stopped laughing and telling jokes when we were out of the car, no one was around and we were the last people left on the earth and it was the best, I wanted it to be like that, Kate I did. Had no idea it was all wrong. Maybe I did. We walked up the driveway to the backyard, he said Come on. I was gonna ask why we didn’t park in the driveway but I was afraid, I hate myself for always being afraid to say or do anything. I fucking hate it so much. In the back there was a little kid riding a bigwheel in a circle on the cracked cement. He waved at us, Arnold tossed the kid a coin, don’t know if there was something cool like a monster on it then he told the kid to go home. Come on. That’s all he said again. come on come on, and he went up the wooden back stairs that zigzagged up to the third floor. The three of us were buzzin hard I know I was and Josh and Luis looked at me like did we have to come here to see him make those nickels and they looked at me like I had the answers or maybe they were looking at me to put a stop to everything they always looked at me like that I’m sorry Arnold waited for us at the top and we walked in the back door into the kitchen and dishes and trash everywhere and it smelled like garbage and something else. Arnold stood in the middle of it all and said what a messsss, had like a hundred ssss on it, then he turned and walked into the next room, and I want to write down what we were all thinking but I have no idea what we were thinkin and it all just happened like it happened already and we were watching it happen again. Arnold said he had the nickel stuff in his room then he shouted in the other room, hey, come meet my friends, and no one said anything and we looked around the kitchen not doing anything not knowin that we could do anything and not knowing that we could ever do what we were going to do I swear and then Arnold yelled for us to come in, we did, a TV room with stained rug and food wrappers and beer bottles so many on a coffee table and on the floor and an old TV on a small stand, and there was an oldman on the couch, asleep sitting up wearing a gross wife beater, yellow in places and almost see through, tight dress pants that were unbuckled and fly down, tighty whiteys ballooning out under his gut. Luis said whoa and backed up. Arnold said it was okay he was passed out and couldn’t hear us. We stood there and stared at the oldman for a long time, Arnold smiling and then Arnold laughing into the back of his hand and he looked at all of us like he couldn’t believe we didn’t think this was funny. He said what? it’s just his uncle, barely even a real uncle, and I wish none of it was real, and he said let’s wake him, he walked to the couch and slapped his uncle pretty hard on the side of his head and shouted, hey, wake up meet my friends, they want to meet Uncle Fat Fuck. Arnold laughed and Josh and Luis laughed a little too, maybe I did. The oldman moved a little, mumbled something, and Arnold laughed like crazy so we did too it felt like we had to. Then Arnold grabbed Josh, still laughing, said come here, your turn, go ahead, hit him, he won’t even know won’t even hurt, Josh leaned back and tried to pull away, knocked over bottles everywhere and Arnold let him go, we laughed at Josh falling down and I’m sorry about that too, next he told Luis to do it, just hit him, he said get mad and hit him, he said you get to do what I’ve always wanted to do, and then he told him to pretend he was those jerks at school who make fun of how little he is and he went on saying the worst stuff to Luis and about Luis until Luis slapped his uncle right across the face, so hard, the smack sounded like a shot and we all flinched, and Arnold started laughing again, so hard he couldn’t breathe, and then Josh came up right behind Luis without anyone saying anything and hit his uncle in the same spot, his cheek turned red and then it was my turn it was supposed to be my turn and Arnold looked at me and then I did it. I hit him. I closed my eyes and my hand into a fist and punched him in the side of his head, it hurt, like punching a wall and his eyes rolled around and closed again and we laughed because I don’t know we couldn’t believe anything then we were all on him, and Arnold was shouting and asking how HE liked it, and we kept hitting and laughing and hitting and when we slowed down Arnold told us to help get him into the shower, to wake him up, and we pulled him onto his feet, he groaned and whined a little and we yelled at him to shut up without Arnold telling us to and we got him moving to the bathroom, too fast, we couldn’t control him and he fell into the tub and Arnold squeezed by us and flipped his uncle around so he was on the floor leaning against the tub. He said wake him up, and we slapped his face and punched his chest but not as hard as we did in the living room and we weren’t laughing anymore and then Arnold hit him as hard as he could grunting with each punch and he kept punching and the three of us stood there, we stood there and watched and the hitting sounds made me want to puke and Arnold wouldn’t stop, then he found an empty bottle on the bathroom floor and smashed it on the oldman’s head, his skin cracked open his face covered in blood, and he coughed and moaned, didn’t move his arms and sat there, Arnold smashed three bottles on the sink one at a time so the necks ended in sharp spikes and he gave us each broken bottlenecks and told us to stick him, go ahead stick him he said, it won’t even hurt him, we stood there waiting for the joke to be over and he was whispering and then he was screaming in our faces and we still didn’t do anything and he grabbed me first, grabbed my arm at the elbow and wrist and we still didn’t do anything and then he was calm and because he was calm it was like it was okay and he said don’t drop it and that was it don’t drop it, I thought that was easy I could do that and I could pretend it wasn’t me and it didn’t seem like me and I didn’t stop him and he pulled me forced me and the chunk of glass it went through the oldman’s shirt and I felt it sort of pop the skin on his chest, slide in, and blood filled up his shirt and I pulled my hand away but the glass stuck there stayed there and then he did the same with Luis and Josh and he was like gentle and patient and they stabbed their broken glass into the oldman’s gut and Josh’s went deepest, the glass tip disappeared all the way inside, then Arnold kicked his uncle in the face and stomped away and into the kitchen and started yelling like crazy and he said COME ON help ME and he shouted other stuff and Luis and Josh ran after him like they were afraid he’d leave them there. I was by myself and I crouched down got closer to the oldman, the cut in his forehead looked like a big crack and his eyes were swollen shut and his nose smooshed and I said I was sorry and I was crying when I looked again his uncle wasn’t his uncle anymore he was my dad and I KNEW it was him because I was a seer, right? it was him right after the car accident and he had the car window glass pushed into him and I had done that too and I gently tried to pry out the glass and tell him that I’d get help, and I stood up to leave and he MOVED he hugged legs against his chest and looking at him made me shiver so hard my teeth clicked together, Arnold came back and said come on and his uncle said something to me in a voice that I don’t think was his, I should’ve said something back to him I don’t know why I didn’t and I wish I did. Arnold went into the bathroom kicked him three times I heard it shake the whole house then shut the door and led me out of the house and down the stairs, outside, to the street, past the bigwheel kid playing next to the sewer throwing in rocks and coins. So now I’ve been lieing awake at night wondering if his uncle is okay trying to convince myself that he’ll be okay when I know he isn’t and telling myself it wasn’t our fault that we were forced into doing it then hating us for being so weak and awful I never thought we were so awful and I’m sorry Kate that we’re such cowards we are and we deserve whatever terrible things that will happen to us and NOW that I’m writing it all down I know that I didn’t see Dad when I looked at his uncle. I’m so stupid, I saw something I KNOW I did and I keep seeing it now all the time. Look at the picture that I drew a few days ago a few pages ago. it’s not Dad but it’s someone because I think Arnold is right about one thing. there are no coincidences. I know that now and no matter what happens to me I have to try to do something to fix everything. i’m sorry Kate I love you and mom so much and I hope you’ll forgive me someday
I’m still here